Category Archives: Life Story

Gone, with wings of fire

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I’ll never forget that moment. I was surfing my FB newsfeed when Dad exclaimed, “Kalam no more?”

I rushed out, and was hysterical. I was smirking, my eyes were moist, my legs were giving away, words failed me. 09:02 pm the time was. Words are failing me, as if I were an infant struggling to convey my thoughts.  I let the world know what I thought of that moment, and went in recluse in my room. I remembered that I had a book written by Kalam with me. I couldn’t remember the name, and I was cursing myself for that. I, I felt guilty that I forgot the name of the book! I ransacked my room to find that one slender book, on the cover of which is a girl with shining eyes. I found it.

I kept that book in front of me, and stared at it. This is my Kalam. Who says Kalam is dead? He is here, with me! “Ignited Minds”, his book to the children of India is a singular non-fiction book I read when I was young and was developing an appetite for reading. I opened the book, and there it was. A felicitation written on a piece of paper and stuck on the 2nd page. I had won it at an inter school Elocution Competition on the Children’s Day in 2007. It is my prized possession.

Now, I’ve known Kalam to be an endearing personality. Only after he became the President did the world look up to him and his achievements, and the hardships he went through. You can wiki all of that. But, you can’t wiki how he felt when he faced it, and when he conquered it all. Labelled as the “Missile Man of India”, this one man morphed the Indian Politics when he was elected indirectly as the President of the Republic of India.

A man of such a stature, that no one dare bad-mouth him. He was a modern Bhishma, and he was a devout Muslim. I’ve read it somewhere; sweep so well that even the Gods say “Here lived a great sweeper who did his job well”. Kalam — whose name is synonymous with ‘Kalam’ (pen in Hindi) was true to his name and fame. I went to Rameshwaram for pilgrimage in 2005, and the driver eagerly let us know that Kalam’s house is nearby. My parents and my relatives shrugged to the idea of visiting his house, I insisted.

One would’ve thought that the President of India’s house would at least be painted well. There it was, a rusted green fenced door which guarded the family of the 1st Citizen of India. Strangely, and honestly, I did not expect a bungalow of a house. And, my expectations weren’t hurt. I just stood there for a while, emulating it, staring at it. I didn’t even knock on the door. I didn’t need to.

I’d have read “Ignited Minds” for a good 3 times I guess. I’ll be reading it again tonight. I’m feeling lost. I’m feeling alone. I need Kalam with me. I seldom cry, I seldom cry.

Then I saw this movie titled “I am Kalam”, and it told the story of a poor kid who names himself Kalam and wishes to be like Kalam. He adopts his hairstyle, his ways, and studies by hook or crook. He even hitch-hikes his way to the Rashtrapati Bhavan to deliver a hand-written letter to His Excellency. I watch that movie — that movie with all fantastical elements — and I feel part of it. How I wish I were that kid, who’d go to any length to emulate his role model.

Page 86 of “Ignited Minds”, second paragraph reads, “In Kanchi, I was privileged to see Vedic recitation and recitations from the Quran proceeding side by side”. You feel it? That humility, curiosity, love for one’s country, and respect for all religions; he shaped me in more ways than one. And all the secularists in the sub-continent don’t hail his name, which is understandable. He is not for sale.

Of course, Ayn Rand, Paulo Coelho, and Herman Hesse also shaped my life and character; but I’ve never had a sense of belonging with any of them as I had with Kalam. When I read his words, it’s as if he is speaking to me, to us. He is no more now. He is one with the Force. I felt a strong impulse to go to Rameswaram and visit his home back, but now was not the time. Kalam would ask me, “Who are you?” to which I have no answer. I must become, I must be more than what I am in order to stand in front of that rusted green fenced door.

I feel privileged to have lived in Kalam’s lifetime. Decades from now, I will have stories to tell — of character, of selflessness, of integrity, of Kalam.

An experience, from the eyes of a novice

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The template of this love story is the same, with a difference. Here; the girl fell for the guy first, changed herself to suit his description, bore over his tantrums, and in the end does not want to leave him while he gives threats of leaving her over every silly misunderstanding.
What I didn’t (and don’t) understand is this. A beautiful, intelligent, multi-lingual, frank, outspoken girl will never hear a word of abuse directed over her even from her best-est friend. But, suddenly, as if something strange happens. She gives a guy permission to thrash her in front of the whole world. Love, they say. She gives him her social networking sites’ passwords. Trust, they say. She gives him right over her body, which seldom any one will ever have. Surrender, they say. She tells him her deepest, and darkest secrets. Truthfulness, they say.
One day, like always, she gets an SMS. “You go with any guy you like. I won’t stop you”, it said. She didn’t sleep that night, ceaselessly prayed that it better be a vividly bad dream — that she wake up from it and find her dominoes standing. It was not a dream. She then started praying that everything be rendered fine, somehow.
What is that experienced above by the girl? Love, she claims. I am skeptical. Given, I’ve never experienced love. But, all that she experienced does not fall in my definition of love. Given, I’m being selective here — I didn’t count the blissful times she had. But, whatever bliss your partner stands for, he/she shouldn’t do what shouldn’t be done ever. We’ve all watched/read “Gone Girl”.
Enter, a guy (let’s call him “A”) who like(d) that girl and conveyed that to her when it was already too late. He did it so that he’ll not die of regret — that he didn’t speak his heart out. Suddenly, the girl’s guy threatens her with a break-up, and she tells A. A is in a troublesome situation. Should he give her reasons to stick through it? That way he would be turning a blind eye to everything her guy did to him.
Should he guide her to break-up? That way he might be misconstrued in facilitating the break-up, so that he can come in her life. Talk of snap decisions.
No. I’m not being feminist here. I’m an equalist and an objectivist. Whoever emotionally harasses/tortures anybody, I am not with that individual. Never. But, life puts us in precarious situations sometimes where you tend to be tempted. Should A have opened his arms wide-open for her, fully aware that he is not sure about it all? Live in the present, they say. But, that does not mean playing with the emotions of a girl/boy, and just leaving her/him once it’s time — especially when you know that your life can take you anywhere, anytime and that you may not get to see her again! I really don’t want to be “Daisy” of “The Great Gatsby”.
The other day she pinged “He came down and understood me. I’ll never give him a chance to doubt me again. I’ll be his perfect girl.”
That..er. .was. .um. .strange. Maybe I jumped the gun a little. What’s the use of being a rational creature, when you can’t see both sides of the coin? I just described one side of it in all its intricacy, leaving the other.
I thought, “What about he being her perfect man?”. It struck me then. “Love” may come as a perfect form of devotion, where there are no expectations from the other. What one does in ‘love’ is perfect themselves up, rise above and make it their mission to make ‘it’ work. In this pursuit, they implicitly trust (one may not even know that they do) that their partner is doing the same thing. Because that is love.
She told that she will be his perfect girl. She never thought of being perfect for anyone. She was proud of herself, her ways. But, for this one guy among billions, she is ready to morph into something she isn’t. She listens to his ‘itinerary of love’ and takes cues on what constitutes his kind of girl. She strives hard. Maybe she likes to hum along a song, but he doesn’t. He has still not expressed it to her, but she understood it already. So, she stops humming — she stops that one activity which connects her with the song. Why? To be that perfect girl. Is she expecting anything in return? No. She’s not even sure whether he’s noticing the subtle changes in her. Why, then? To give her best to a relationship. To make it work. Simple enough?
For my good part of life, I’ve followed this dictum — Expectations hurt — and I had to find it in the least expected of places. All this while, I thought (and still think) of love as some kind of barter relationship where one gets something from the other. I didn’t consider such cases where love may be too true to be mentioned. You suddenly tend to forget all that you did for your partner. You can count it all in front of your close ones (when in distress), but won’t be able to do so in front of that one man for whom you did it!
I now see everything in a new light. Maybe the partner is after all a different person to everybody (in order to please them all) but is ‘his true self’ to that one girl (who he loves). Maybe he wants her to know of his real self, his inner self. We’ve all had that chameleon moment once in life, where we act ‘good’ or ‘ultra-decent’ in front of select few because we have a hidden agenda to fulfill. But with his girl around, he suddenly feels betraying himself if he is not his real self with her — no matter how rude he is. I do this with parents, to their utter disapproval. Maybe he does not know that he is doing it at all! Love is blind, they say.
I feel like I’ve solved a good part of a Rubik’s cube. There’s more to do, but most of it is taken care of. Maybe that’s why they say, “If you’ve not truly loved someone, you’ll never understand it”. Well, I just unraveled something. Thanks to that girl.
Nevertheless, sometimes I feel I’m doing the right thing. Being single. Such experiences make me re-think over the notions of marriage. I’m seriously considering the possibility of staying an unmarried celibate, than marrying somebody only to hurt them (if at all only once!) or making love to someone who I’m not gonna marry!
This may be posted for all to read, but it is really for a select few — to that girl, and possibly to the girl who may come into my life. Why am I writing for a future girl (in my life) when I’m so unsure about things? Who knows. . Life can take me for a ride, but my views will be the same — now that I know if it. And she is entitled to know my fears, and my perceptions. Call me paranoid, but I really can let myself be battered to death than hurt somebody who’ll leave her parents, friends, city, home, and her former self and past just to be with me.
Thank you — this blogpost might have been particularly tiring — for reading it through.