Tag Archives: express

I am happy to be

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Last Sunday, I got a message from my dear friend which made me smile from ear to ear.

It is words like these that I live for, that keeps me going.

I… I no longer think I’m lonely. I am proud to say it.

I prefer being left alone sometimes, but lonely? No. I’m not lonely anymore.

In all these years I lived and all the lives I shared my life with; I earned quite a handful of gold.

I earned a few tears that I hope will be shed when I depart.

I earned a shoulder or two to rest my head upon and silently cry.

I earned a lap where I could place my head and sleep a dreamless sleep like a child.

I… I earned compassion from strangers who held out their hands and pulled me out of the depths, not expecting anything in return but an assurance that I will live on.

I’ll be honest. I’m having trouble writing my thoughts, to the extent that I’m listening to ‘Start a riot‘ on loop for the past half hour just to keep myself in the zone. It’s been months together when I last wrote. I feel like starting to walk after lying in bed for a decade. A twitch at a time, a letter at a time.

I am finding myself again, finding my muse. And I’m alone in my journey, but not for a moment will I have to worry about being lonely. Because I am not. I have souls around me, far away from me, close to me and at the other side of the river – souls who care for me like I once cared for myself.

I am seeing the world around me with a fresh set of eyes. Sure, there are moments when I feel being pulled down in the darkness – when someone does not pick up the call, or when someone disapproves my request to get myself a chocolate – but I understand that I have to get back up and make my way down the untamed road like nothing happened. I will crawl out, dust myself, suit up, and continue walking on the road that leads to my father’s home.

I walk with an occasional slouch, but with my chin held up as I try to tap my feet in sync to the tune playing in my head.

I feel the Sun’s rays on my cheek and forehead. It comforts me. I look in the eyes of the Sun and smile. I bow to Him, smile again and continue walking, not caring whether people around me were watching me with bewilderment.

I am happy to be. I am.

I look back and see my people having my back. I feel extremely vulnerable, they know things about me which could destroy me. They have my kryptonite. Yet, I feel at peace with them. Even if they decide to throw a wrecking ball in my way, I’ll face it with open arms and watch it break my will and hope. Murphy’s Law.

It would be pretentious to even assume that my people will be with me for ever. When the night falls, even your shadow abandons you to become one with the darkness. But I’ll cherish their presence till the time they choose to stay. And I will be forever ready to help anyone in need.

It is true that a person lives for itself, that it’s very body breathes not for anyone else but itself. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t need that occasional warmth exuded by a bear hug.

I’m tired of being looked up to, sometimes. I don’t want to emulate anyone, I am a man of my own making – for a change, let me be without having to fulfil someone’s expectations.

Sometimes; it gets dark, gloomy and cloudy inside. I may not even know it, or if I did, would not know how to express it. I never learnt to say a no or to ask for help.

Please. Gaze into my eyes a little deeper. See for yourself the demons tormenting me. Sit beside me. Breathe with me. Help me realize that I’m not lonely. You need not comfort me with words or deeds. Your presence will do me immense good.

Come, sit beside me atop the ledge, while we gaze at the endless expanse that is the sky. Our eyes taking in the colors of nature, while I occasionally get interrupted by your presence. There may be a fleeting thought striking my head that would nudge me to jump off the ledge into the abyss. But seeing you seated beside me, I would drop the idea because I’d hate to leave you alone.

I exhale, and breathe in the fresh air. I close my eyes. I’m not afraid, I’m not alone. I open my eyes and try to focus on the warm Sun that is slowly rising from the womb of mother nature.

I am.

I am happy to be.

Survival in the Velds — Part 2

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Click here for Part-1 of “Survival in the Velds”

“Quick. Shoo the children away with you. Take shelter somewhere. Go!”, Zumba hissed. “You take care Zumba”, Salya said and ran with the children. “You also. Go. This is my battle. I don’t want to see any of you in harm”, he growled at his consorts.  “No master. You won us. We will be with you till our last breath, or your last breath”, the consorts growled back in unison.

“Hello. Zumba. Father-murderer!”, Po’El shouted.
“Face me Po’El! Why shout miles away? Afraid?”
“Of course not, dear. Sorry for keeping you waiting. The rule is to give a warning. You saw the warning yesterday noon. So, you’ve lived 18 hours at my expense. I’m good at math and geography. You’ll have to pay for this”, he growled as he was walking near Zumba.
He remembered his battles. The one with his father, where he inherited the land. The one with Taanoi, where he won 5 lionesses — including Salya. “This is going to be tough”, he muttered to himself.
“Mutter to me!”, Po’El roared as he pounced over Zumba with lightning speed.
One blow to the left, another to the right and then attack his neck!
Po’El was flawless in his attack technique. But Zumba had anticipated the last move and covered his neck.
“Good. So now we go for round two”, Po’El panted.
“Now its my turn!”, Zumba roared with all his might and slapped Po’El hard. He nearly displaced his jaw. In a distance a man in a brown tent was shooting this on his HD camera — 2 naked males were fighting while 6 naked females watching with delight. “My God! Gruesome! This indeed is Africa!”, he muttered with glee.
The fight lasted for 15 minutes. The final blow was delivered by Po’El. Zumba’s neck was slashed open, his groin muscles were hanging like loose flesh. Zumba bled to death. A gruesome one, indeed.
Po’El licked his nails. “Warm”, he muttered. Zumba’s consorts were helpless. Po’El had won them. “In the line. Now!”, Po’El roared. The 4 of them lined behind 6 of Po’El’s consorts. “The kids? The kids! This male had kids! Where are they?”
“This way”, one of Zumba’s ex-consorts guided Po’El to impress him. Po’El kissed him hard, licked the insides of her mouth and whispered, “You and me tonight”. She blushed. She was the new favorite  of the master.
“Well, well”, Po’El muttered. Salya was shocked to find him here. The children were playing nearby. Salya pounced over him, and he slapped her hard. She fell off a short ledge. “Aren’t they cute? What’s your name?”, he growled. “Don’t kill them, Po’El! I’ll do as I say! They don’t even know how to talk!”, she cried.
“You’ll anyways do as I say! And for the kids? Rules are rules, dear. I’m merely diminishing any future possibilities of usurping”, he joyously growled as he dug his teeth deep into the children’s necks — one by one. All the children could do was meow. He slapped the bodies hard, to ensure that they were really dead. He then jumped off the ledge and made way for Salya.
“Why invade our territory? Isn’t your land good enough?”, she growled. “No dear. The land is verdant with lots to feed on. In fact, so much that 5 generations could live on it! But, I needed more”, he remarked. “Did you kill Z. . u. . m. . ba?”, she asked in a shaky tone. “Had to. He was very brave, relentless. It’s been years since I’ve fought a male like him”, he honestly replied. She felt elated. She turned away and started walking.
“Ahem. Where are you going?”, he asked. “Does it matter?”, she asked him. “Rules are rules, right?”, he said. It suddenly struck him. Zumba had won her from Taanoi, and now Po’El had won her from Zumba. She could do nothing. She was not a commodity. She was more. She was a trophy. His trophy.
She was helpless. She did not know that she could end this agony, not by killing him — that she could not in her wildest dreams — but by killing herself. She did not know the concept of suicide, lest she would have jumped off the highest cliff and got away from all of it. “My babies. My cute, little babies”, Salya quietly cried beside Po’El who was fast asleep. Zumba died an honorable death.